Webwords

(Copied from a newsgroup post) After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

You left your job of 15 years? What were you thinking? You had security and seniority. You had fun with your colleagues and your students, and you got paid every two weeks. Now you’re…a writer? That cliché about poor starving artists might be true, you know.

But you aren’t listening. Since you gave your notice a month ago, you’ve been, OK, a little nervous, but mostly relieved. You worked too hard for too long, and when the writing and editing work built up, you had to choose between teaching and freelance work. You’ve chosen to focus on your goals, and you’re self-employed now.

A writing career isn’t what you thought it would be when you first dreamed of being a writer as a child. Back then, you couldn’t have imagined working at a computer or corresponding by email. Even until you first went online seven years ago, research took a long time. Now you can find a lot of information while sitting in your desk chair. You’re even writing in a genre that didn’t exist until recently — web writing.

Your path won’t be easy, but it would’ve been more difficult not to take this path. As you told your friends, “I realized a few years ago that if I didn’t change my path now, I’d end up being 65 and thinking that I had a good career teaching, but I never did what I always wanted to do.”

Still, until you settle into your new routine and see steady revenue coming in, you’ll still have this thought now and then: “You what?!”

The last few minutes just happened to be during the 6:00 news in my time zone. On an airplane bound from Los Angeles to New York, the crew discovered soon after takeoff that the front wheel was stuck perpendicular rather than parallel to the plane. The authorities decided that the plane should attempt an emergency landing in LA, so the plane flew for hours above the west coast to burn and dump fuel before a landing was attempted.

It was the lead story at 6:00. They showed us a close-up of the front wheels at the wrong angle to roll with the plane. They told us that 145 people were on board. The 139 passengers and six crew members had had hours to realize that they might be on their last trip in this lifetime. The news station moved away from the story temporarily, gave us an update when the plane was within minutes of landing, and then cut from a local story mid-sentence to show us the plane descending.

I heard emotion in the newscaster’s voice as he gave us the story live. Like us, he didn’t know what the outcome would be. The plane came closer to the ground, landed on the rear wheels, and balanced on only the rear wheels for some time, finally easing onto the wrongly-angled front wheels. Sparks came from the front wheels as they scraped along the runway, but the plane didn’t catch fire.

At the end of the news hour, we were shown people leaving the plane safely. I could still hear the emotion in the newscaster’s voice.

A conversation in the school staff room today:

Lois: You’ve heard that I’m leaving, haven’t you?

Michael: Yeah, I signed your card.

Lois: The card that I don’t know about yet, of course.

Nicole: [Glares at Michael for telling me about the surprise farewell card that I knew was coming because we always have cards for things like this]

Hang the bag as high as you can, and it’ll drip faster. The wheel on the tube is what starts and stops the fluid.

To put the needle under the skin, you pinch a piece of loose skin and hold it up, like a tent. Doing this is called tenting. Just behind the shoulders is a good place. You can also tent the skin on the flanks.

Be careful when you take the cap off the needle. When you tent the skin, hold your fingers at the top of the tent so that you don’t jab the needle into your fingers then either. Slide the needle in parallel to the animal’s body. If fluid comes out instead of going under the animal’s skin, you don’t have the needle in right.

The fluid will pool under the animal’s skin at first, bulging like a tumour until it spreads through the body.

I usually enjoy learning new things, but watching the veterinary assistant show me how to give my cat subcutaneous fluids, I found myself not wanting to learn. Or more accurately, not wanting to have to learn. It will now be routine to put a needle under my cat’s skin every day or every second day for the rest of his limited life. With his failing kidneys, liver, and thyroid, he needs this procedure as well as three types of medication.

He’s 16 years old. He’s had a good life. But neither of us is ready for this slow descent at the end.