Webwords

Found while going through old papers:

Capitalism

He who dies with the most toys wins.

Hari Krishna

He who plays with the most toys wins.

Catholicism

He who denies himself the most toys wins.

Church of Scientology

We are the toys.

Baha’i

All toys are just fine with us. Let’s play with our toys together.

Taoism

The doll is as important as the dumptruck.

Voodoo

Let me borrow that doll for a second….

Existentialism

Toys are a figment of your imagination.

Confucianism

Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.

Non-denominationalism

We don’t care where the toys came from. Let’s just play.

Polytheism

There are many toy makers.

Atheism

There is no toy maker.

Evolutionism

The toys made themselves.

(Copied from a newsgroup post) After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I just came across a file of one-liners that I’d saved. Here are my favourites.

~~~~~

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humour.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Do you have a photo of your cat, dog, rabbit, ferret, bird, hamster, or other pet? If you’re a pet owner, of course you do. And of course you want to enter it in a pet photo contest for a chance to win one of two monthly prizes. You can also enter the contest just by voting.

The prizes each month go to the person who submitted the photo that gets the most votes and to a random draw winner from the voters. Prizes are usually gift certificates for Odor Destroyer products although this month’s prizes are a little different.

Odor Destroyer products can be shipped within the US and Canada but not to other countries.

People who enter the contest or vote in it are subscribed to the Odor Destroyer Pet Newsletter. This monthly newsletter has articles about pet care and other pet information as well as a small section about their monthly sale. You can unsubscribe from the newsletter any time, but you probably don’t want to tell me if you do, since I write the articles and compile all the material for it.

And no, I don’t get any benefits from posting about the newsletter or the contest here. I just like to share.